Infertility has shattered my dreams. It has taken away that which I always believed I was meant to do. Five other job dreams were shattered, too, in order to fulfill the one of motherhood. Now I have none of them. I write this blog to work out some of this angst and pain. I write this blog to clear my head and let go of the feelings of loneliness. I write in order to transform myself.
I hope you will write to tell me your stories that are similar to mine.
I must be careful with this depression. It has taken over my life. It has moved me into directions that are weak, where I never thought I would tread. I have become a sad person, moved to tears just by seeing a child ride a bike or play in a park. I have become angry and resentful. I am jealous of every person I see walk down the street with a child in their arms. It is not who I want to be and I use this blog to work it out, get it out, put away the pain in my mind and body. The mind pain created body pain in the back, neck, toes, feet, shoulder, knee, fingers and headaches. My heart palpitates. The heart palpitations have luckily subsided as stress in my life has decreased. But I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. Osteoarthritis, menopause, blaahhhh!
Depression lead me to prozac 7 years ago. It only postponed the inevitable. Now, I am going to deal with it head on: no drugs. blaahhh! I feel guilty for feeling depressed. I feel guilty for feeling jealous and angry. I feel angry that I can't have kids when so many crummy people are out there doping a terrible job raising lots of kids on bad food, bad tv, bad behavior, etc. I am childless and I would be a wonderful mom. My husband would be a wonderful dad. No one understands how hurtful this is. Playing the cards life has dealt is impossible when all around you is the joy of raising kids. I have essentially not been dealt any hand at all. Out of the game. Don't tell me what I should do to get into the game. Just please hear me out. Know that I am more lonely than you can begin to imagine. I feel depressed for being infertile and left out, and I feel guilty for feeling depressed. I will try harder.
